Mean Old Department Heads

I’ve been really lucky as far as call goes.  I take call for my own patients, who are lovely and only call me at night or weekends for true emergencies.  I want to be called for those reasons!  So everything is awesome, except for vacations.  It’s tough to get coverage for vacations that I can pay back, since I’m not on staff at a hospital.  (If you’re not on staff, you can’t see patients in a hospital.)  I usually get my friend from fellowship to cover me for vacations, but she was busy during my Argentina trip.  I didn’t know what to do, so I asked Dr. B, the head of child psychiatry at a nearby hospital.  He was really nice.  I thanked him profusely and vowed to pay him back some way, but didn’t really mean it.  Maybe I could take him and his wife out to dinner or something.  But maybe they don’t like me and wouldn’t want to go to dinner.  That would be awesome.  I was happy and fuzzy until Dr. B e -mailed me to tell me there was something I could do for him.  I could give a lecture and participate in a half day adolescent psychiatry program this Friday.

OK.  This could be fun.  Maybe.  What’s the topic?  Self mutilation?  How un-fun can you get?  Dr. B  said he picked a topic for me that would have the least possibility for TMI.  How does he know that I don’t scratch my retina on a regular basis?  But, he’s right.  The topic doesn’t lend itself to TMI or humor.  What sort of a crappy topic is that?  It’s just mean, I tell you.  I’ve been working on it for a week and have made it my goal in life to make the talk funny.  At least a little funny.  What if I offend people, you ask?  Well, you have to break a couple of eggs to make a good cake.

Here’s my first slide:

Self-Injurious Behavior

by Robin Altman, MD

            (not that I do it, I’m just talking about it)

I ran it by a patient of mine who cuts herself, today.  “Corny,” she said, but I saw her lips twitch.  “You almost smiled!” I said.  “Did not,” she said.  “Did so!  See!  Another lip twitch!” I said.  “Don’t flatter yourself,” she said.  “Maybe you have Tourette’s,” I told her.  “Nice bedside manner,” she said.  Then she really did smile.

Here are some self-injury cartoons I found.  Thank goodness for Google.

This one is my favorite:

It would help, wouldn’t it?  And then there’s this terrible malady:

I promise to give some good information, too.   I just wanted you guys to know – you don’t get this offensive without a lot of hard work.

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