In honor of my bloggy friend, FringeGirl, I thought I should write this post. If FringeGirl had her way, you would all be running around looking cute and fashionable, yet semi respectable. This would solidify my position as Queen of Questionable Taste, but that’s just not me. Could I happily maintain my crown when so many others were suffering? No. I could not. Read these quickly, before your mind has been warped by good advice:
1) Show your tits. As you age you get shorter, fatter, and your tits sag. Lift them up with a push-up bra, unbutton your shirt to your navel, and show those babies off. At least you’re not dead! It will take the heat off your aging face. No one will be looking up, I assure you.
2) Always wear giant platforms, wedges, or heels. Fashion models are not 4’11″. Neither should you be. If you distribute your flab over more vertical space, you look thinner. So what if you fall off and sprain your ankle? You’re helping the economy by keeping the medical field going. The guy who tapes your ankle needs to eat, also.
3) Follow every makeup trend. Don’t think to yourself, “Where would I wear bright purple eyeliner?” Just buy it. You can wear it anywhere you wear normal makeup. You don’t know how many times I have caught parents gazing at my garish eyelids in complete puzzlement. Did I feel embarrassed? Heck, no! I felt proud! I had taken their mind off their problems without even saying a word. There are people suffering around you, too. Be a dear.
4) Wear clothes that are too tight. It’s very comfortable. Otherwise your fat will jiggle as you walk.
5) Wear tent-like clothing to mix it up. Sometimes small animals get cold and need somewhere to go. You can offer sanctuary under your dress.
6) Wear skinny jeans whenever possible. Hey! Those teenagers do it, why can’t you!? At least you have a job. Spend your hard earned cash on the most expensive skinny jeans you can find. They will be even more flattering.
7) Wear mini skirts to work. People love it when you distract them from their problems! (see #3 above) When you sit down, they’ll be able to look right up your skirt! They’ll love it! ( But wear underwear. Even I have my limits.) If your thighs rub together too much and cause red, excoriated patches, use an inner thigh lubricant stick (available on line at Amazon).
Now, go forth and brighten up the world. Don’t pay attention to the snickering you hear behind your back! It means you’ve made someone happy!