There’s a weird phenomenon going on around me. I’m hoping I’m not causing it. Teenage boys at work and home are rebelling.
This week I asked a kid at the Residential Treatment Facility how his weekend visit with his family went. He replied, “That’s private business.”
I met another boy at the same place, and sat down with him for the first time. He came to the facility from jail. I asked what he did to get himself thrown in jail. He replied, “I’d rather not talk about it.” (It was better than saying, “I knifed a stupid doctor who asked too many questions.”)
At home, I walked into the kitchen, and saw my son Kevin repeatedly scooping peanut butter out of the jar with his finger. Scoop. Lick. Scoop. Lick.
“Kevin, that’s gross,” I said. “Put the peanut butter on something like bread or an apple, or scoop some out onto a plate. I don’t really want to sample your spit with my peanut butter.”
He replied, “Well, I wouldn’t have to eat the peanut butter at all if you hadn’t eaten the rest of the cheese spread, which I hid in the back of the refrigerator. And, there are no groceries in the house. And I don’t see the difference between eating it with a spoon or dipping my finger in the jar. I hardly ever dip my finger in the jar. This is one of the first times I’ve dipped my finger in the jar for ages, and it’s just a weird coincidence that you caught me. Next time buy 2 jars of peanut butter and label one ‘Kevin’s Peanut Butter’. Then I’ll just use that jar, and I can dip my finger in it whenever I want.”
I was torn between laughing hysterically and bludgeoning him to death. I don’t know about you, but I think the boys at the Residential Facility are less annoying than Kevin.
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June 12, 2009 at 12:08 am |
Hmmm… maybe they have something like this anti-theft lunch bag for PB jars. http://www.thinkofthe.com/products/lunch_bag.php
Maybe with faux salmonella spores?
June 12, 2009 at 7:54 am |
Amy: That’s hilarious! I feel like distributing these to everyone in Adam’s office.
June 12, 2009 at 1:14 pm |
OMG, I used to bring a jar of peanut butter to work (along with other snacks, lunches, etc — we each had our own little spot in the cupboard) and every now and then I’d catch someone eating it. I’d smile, tell them it was no problem, but then say “you do realize I eat that straight out of the jar, right?”
That usually stopped it. I say buy him his own jar.
June 12, 2009 at 6:03 pm |
Melanie: Wow! One vote for getting Kevin a private jar of peanut butter! I really didn’t take that request seriously, but I’m going to revisit the issue because of you. Kevin better write you a thank you note.
June 12, 2009 at 8:08 pm |
I think Kevin needs his own jar, too. But when he gets to college and rooms with a bunch of dirty finger dippers just like himself, he’s on his own. He’ll probably have to wait until he’s a parent and catches his own filthy offspring doing the finger dip before he really gets what’s so gross about it.
June 13, 2009 at 12:08 am |
Polly: I like it! I could help facilitate the process by coaching my grandchildren in the finger lick technique.
June 13, 2009 at 11:29 pm |
You get paid for your work at the treatment center –perhaps it’s time for you to start billing your hours at home, and keeping files on your kids. You can show them the proof of their annoying behavior when you write up reports using real neuroses and psychoses and then make up a few more for good measure. Maybe that’s the trick, Robin.
(I think Kevin should be getting payback: next time he is around, demonstrate the same behavior with one of his fave foods.)
June 14, 2009 at 4:57 pm |
Pearl: You’re right! I’m underpaid with this gig. I’m deducting a salary from Kevin’s allowance. (As they say, that and a quarter could buy me a cup of coffee.)
Payback sounds good. I’m going to pre-chew his gum for him.
June 14, 2009 at 7:06 pm |
OMG there is nothing on earth like a teenage boy.
June 14, 2009 at 8:17 pm |
asdmommy: They’re like stupid chimps that talk.
June 15, 2009 at 12:45 am |
Wow! Kevin would make a great lawyer. I like how he blamed you for making him do the deed, accused you of hogging his cheese spread, minimized the grossness of the finger dip, denied doing it “much”, and then even offered a solution to the problem–probably all in one breath. That boy thinks fast!!
June 15, 2009 at 10:37 am |
mamaneeds2rant: That’s the truth! A friend of mine listened to him double talking some rule this weekend, and said it made her head spin. He thinks so fast, you have to address at least 5 inconsistencies per rant, and by that time he’s thought of a new set of rebuttals.
June 15, 2009 at 2:50 pm |
This really made me laugh. My daughter used to suck the flavor off goldfish and crackers and then put them back in the box. I refused to eat out of the kid’s snack boxes, but it took my husband a few soggy mouthfuls to learn his lesson. Kids are gross!
-FringeGirl
June 15, 2009 at 7:15 pm |
My vote is for the bludgeoning…the two jars of PB is a terrible idea, since he’s probably drinking out of the milk carton anyway.
June 15, 2009 at 8:37 pm |
FringeGirl: Oh, man! That’s pretty gross! But I’ve probably sucked down even more spit, because it’s in disguise. Ick.
June 15, 2009 at 8:37 pm |
mrsbear: Oh, ick. He probably is, huh? I’m moving.