On the way home from dinner, the car seating configuration was Adam driving, his mother (Nina) in the passenger seat, me in the back behind Adam, Alex in the middle, and Kevin behind Nina. The following conversation took place. I contend that this is a universal conversation.
Adam: OK! Who farted?
Alex (indignantly): It wasn’t me!
Adam: I know it wasn’t me!
Me: I always admit when I fart.
Adam: Kevin’s being very quiet back there.
Kevin: When I fart, I say, “Safety!”
Adam: Then it was Alex, because I know it wasn’t me.
Nina: Why are we having this conversation?
Alex: I can’t believe you say it was me, just because it wasn’t you! I’m killing you.
Nina: Fine. Say it was me. I’ll be the farting grandma.
Alex: I’m still killing dad.
We all get out of the car. “Just admit it – it was you, wasn’t it?” I whisper to Adam.
“It wasn’t! I swear!” He looks sincere.
It remains a convoluted mystery. Where’s Sherlock Holmes when you need him?
Nina didn’t understand the conversation. She even volunteered to be the scapegoat! Who does that? I remember a hundred similar conversations from the car rides of my childhood. And it was never me.
PS. Have you ever had this conversation after a car ride in Russia, Marinkina? (If you haven’t met Marinkina, check out the comments here.)
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May 26, 2009 at 10:08 pm |
LOLOL! Glenn and I have this conversation all the time, which is funny, since if it’s not me, it must be him. But, if he’s to be believed, we evidently pass a lot of areas that have sewer problems.
May 26, 2009 at 10:17 pm |
I’m pretty sure it was Alex. It smelled like Gerbil.
May 26, 2009 at 10:20 pm |
Spy: That is a common excuse when we drive through New Jersey. I’m convinced they all hold in their farts until we get to the oil refineries. It’s hilarious that he tries to deny it in a car with 2 people in it. I’m going to giggle until bedtime.
May 26, 2009 at 10:21 pm |
Adam: Then it must have been you.
May 26, 2009 at 11:50 pm |
We always blame it on the dog. Well, it usually IS the dog. Phew!
May 27, 2009 at 12:37 am |
We never have to ask at our house. It’s always Andy. How such cute little buttocks could let out such a huge cloud of toxic stench is beyond me. (It must be my husband’s side of the family.)
May 27, 2009 at 9:18 am |
At our house, the easy out is to blame the dogs. But then again, their farts are pretty distinct. Mostly we own up to our gas, why not? And it always gets a giggle from out youngest who thinks flatulence is a laugh riot. I love that your MIL was such a willing scapegoat, maybe that was her subtle way of owning it but not owning it. Pretty sly, Nina!
May 27, 2009 at 11:47 am |
You’re right: a universal conversation, and one we have certainly had.
In our family, we have a unique way of handling this: we take the blame for others’ farts, announcing in a loud voice, “Sorry, everyone!” as soon as it becomes apparent what has happened. Everyone knows whoever is making this announcement is in the clear and this way the offender is spared any potential embarrassment. As long as everyone plays, this works fine.
May 27, 2009 at 12:59 pm |
In my car, it’s usually my daughter. She never admits at first…takes a lot of pressure from her brother before she’ll break.
Personally I think it’s a good idea to blame grandma.
-FringeGirl
May 27, 2009 at 6:07 pm |
mamaneeds2rant: Why do dogs have such smelly farts? I have 2 little dogs who are sister and brother, and the guy dog farts all the time. It is so gross. It’s like he’s pooping into the air.
May 27, 2009 at 6:08 pm |
Polly: Not sweet little Andy! Tell me no! Definitely Ken’s genes.
May 27, 2009 at 6:22 pm |
mrsbear: I’m with your youngest! I think flatulence is funny! But my favorite part is when everyone denies doing it, and breaks into violence.
May 27, 2009 at 6:23 pm |
mrsbear: You’re right! I didn’t realize it! This could have been a clever ploy from Nina, and she was actually the culprit. I’m going to watch out for her.
May 27, 2009 at 6:26 pm |
Mary: That wouldn’t work around here. As soon as you said, “I’m sorry!”, it would become the last scene from The Lottery. I’d way rather live with you guys. I’m catching the next plane to Turkey.
May 27, 2009 at 6:27 pm |
FringeGirl: I’m now thinking Grandma was the secret culprit! I am blaming her from now on!
May 27, 2009 at 7:23 pm |
Growing up, my father always called gas “frogs.” For a while, I think we all thought there was a haven of amphibians living under his Barcalounger. As we got older, we figured out this was a euphemism for fart, but we all suffered the embarassment in school of at some point saying, “Who had a frog?” and learning that NO ONE ELSE on the ENTIRE planet calls them that (unless Marinkina begs to differ). Of course, I’ve done the mature thing and taught my 3-year-old to call them frogs. Ribbet.
May 27, 2009 at 8:11 pm |
Growing up, my family called them “stinkers.” I had my kids call them “put-puts.” (You’ve got to say it as an onomatopoeia.)
May 28, 2009 at 10:39 am |
I was betting it was Nina, especially since she took the blame so easily. Grandparents are generally past the stage of being embarrassed by anything…
May 28, 2009 at 10:40 am |
OMG, I just say Amy’s comment. We always say it’s a mouse when one of us farts. I can’t remember where I picked that up, but it was a blog somewhere.
May 28, 2009 at 2:26 pm |
When I first got married, I had nice expression for passing gas: “I puffed.” When our kids came on the scene, it went back to the crass “I/Who farted.”
My parents sometimes spoke a Yiddish/German/Swiss at home, so we grew up with “furtzelies” –”little farts.” Those “furtzelies” grew up too to become “furtzes.”
May 28, 2009 at 9:08 pm |
Amy: How did he use it? “Who let out the frog?” “Who let the frog out of it’s container?” “I sense froginess?”
I sort of like the frog idea.
May 28, 2009 at 9:09 pm |
Carole: Stinkers make sense! I sort of want to use that now. I think we said, “Who lit one?”
May 28, 2009 at 9:10 pm |
Pearl: Furtzelies sound like flat round farts that smell like anise. “Furtzes” is pretty catchy!
May 28, 2009 at 9:11 pm |
Melanie: Yes, Nina is looking verrry suspicious now.
Frogs? Mice? Should a giant fart be a rhino?