I’m visiting my parents in Boston this weekend. My father is a renowned physicist, and he has these additional pieces of advice for you all:
1- The thing about weighing yourself naked, first thing in the morning after a nice poop – not always valid. If the poop floats on toilet water, then its density is less than water, and you’d be just as well off with a nice long pee. (I’m really glad my father corrected that one. I feel so stupid.)
2-If something tastes really good – it has fat in it.
3-This is important, so listen closely. When I was in highschool, I ran about 7 miles a day. Then I’d come home and eat a box of Ring Dings. At dinner one night, I complained that I wasn’t losing weight. My father said, “Ah! Come over here, Little Glasshoppah, and I will tell you the secret of losing weight!” I scooted over to him, and he whispered in my ear, “Eat less.”
The moral of this story? At 73 you know a lot more than you do at 45.
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October 12, 2008 at 12:22 pm |
Who poops without peeing?
Your father is very wise.
October 12, 2008 at 3:37 pm |
Melanie: My father would like to explain, that when one pees with a poop, it’s a relatively small one.
Yes. He’s a wise man. I’ve learned a lot over the years. If only you could have heard the dissertation on flatulance he gave today. Sheer genius.
Can he visit you in Mexico for awhile?
October 12, 2008 at 7:01 pm |
HAHAHAHA!!! That was great!
October 12, 2008 at 7:14 pm |
Your father is a physicist. Then he knows that the poop also has MASS, which is far more important for weight loss. He is probably better off concentrating on the good poop (doesn’t that conjure up an interesting image?) because as a 73 year old man, when was the last time he could have a good, long pee?
October 12, 2008 at 7:18 pm |
Sure, as long as you come along.
We have lots of beans so there will be plenty of time for a repeat of the flatulence dissertation.
btw, I think men and women must pee/poop differently. I’m really trying not to get into “that” discussion here, but I fear I’ve already stepped over the line.
October 12, 2008 at 8:18 pm |
Melanie: We’re buying my dad a ticket tomorrow. I’ll be happy to come! Hope you have plenty of ventilation.
October 12, 2008 at 8:24 pm |
John: My dad says he has the prostate of an 18 year old with a PSA of 1. He also wants to point out that pee also has mass, as well as weight. That’s irrelevent. For equal volumes, pee may count more. A big fluffy poop of huge volume can have relatively little mass. (Are you starting to get an idea of what my childhood was like, John?)
October 12, 2008 at 8:25 pm |
Alysse: Don’t egg him on! (Unless you want me to e mail you his flatulence dissertation.)
October 12, 2008 at 8:36 pm |
John: My father would like you to know, that when he pees into the toilet bowel’s water, the noise is so great that people evacuate the building because they think it’s an earthquake.
October 12, 2008 at 8:59 pm |
If your father’s poop noise wakes all the animals and shakes all the trees in a forest, will it have an odor if Melane is not there to smell it?
October 12, 2008 at 9:28 pm |
Polly: That is a question that only someone in the Philosophy Department at the University of Zihuantanajo could answer. (That’s where Melanie is right now. Her blog is “What am I doing in Mexico?” in the blogroll. It is lovely, and so is she.)
Now, in the interest of science, my father was referring to the roar of his pee as it hits the toilet water. I think his prostate manliness was challenged by John (see above), and now he’s literally involved in a “pissing contest”. Do you think I would have turned out more normal if I were adopted by space aliens?
October 12, 2008 at 11:08 pm |
OMG Robin, you are just a bottomless well of Funny.
October 12, 2008 at 11:27 pm |
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! I heart your pop!
October 13, 2008 at 8:05 am |
Polly: Or, a bottomless well of insanity. It’s unclear which.
October 13, 2008 at 8:13 am |
Chris: Aw..Thanks for visiting. Too bad this is your first experience. You’re not going to call the office of the aging, are you?
I love him, too. He’s cute and fuzzy and I even like when he waxes poetic over gross bodily functions.
October 13, 2008 at 10:39 am |
Robin-To continue the pissing contest:I’m surprised that the physicist in your life remains fixated on volume. The average human defecation is 500-1000g. The average micturation is 150-300 cc’s. Even a small poo is 200 grams more than a good pee. (Before your dad points it out, I know no one enjoys peeing at 4 degrees celsius). Clearly it’s best to do both prior to the morning weigh-in, every half lb helps!
I’m glad to hear your dad’s prostate is healthy.
October 13, 2008 at 12:02 pm |
Older people are great. I love older people – especially since I’m one of them. Your dad is very wise. Were you adopted?
October 13, 2008 at 12:46 pm |
OMG! I am dying here! Yes, we have lots of ventilation. So much so that all paper must be weighted down or it will blow away. Bring him on!
Funny peeing story. While I had to pee while dogsitting a couple months ago and the two Chihuahuas followed me into the bathroom. They were playing or whatever until I peed, then they looked at me like there was a strange creature in the toilet. I guess I’m more forceful than their owners.
October 13, 2008 at 5:13 pm |
John: My father gracefully gives and concedes that a good poop accompanied by a good pee is the best of all possible worlds.
I’m going to go drown myself in the toilet now.
October 13, 2008 at 5:14 pm |
Anti: I certainly hope so!
October 13, 2008 at 5:16 pm |
Melanie: My dad says he’s looking forward to the visit to Mexico, and he’s very happy about the ventilation.
I love the Chihuahua story! My dad liked it, too. I’m afraid he’s going to experiment with my dogs the next time he visits.
October 13, 2008 at 6:10 pm |
ROFLMAO!!!
October 13, 2008 at 6:50 pm |
AW is here? And I see Polly….
Is this an old-folks home?
hehehehe
Just kidding!!
October 13, 2008 at 8:17 pm |
Chris: Oh, man! You’re a brave woman!
BTW, if you check your spam, or your website e mail, you’ll probably find this long advice filled unwanted e mail from me, that I left a while ago. You asked a question on Mary Witzl’s blog, and being the Yenta I am, I couldn’t resist trying to help. Once a Yenta, yada, yada, yada….
October 14, 2008 at 6:50 am |
hahahahahahaha @ the floating poop. And yeah, running then eating ring dings doesn’t help. The thing most people don’t seem to realize is that most junk food is more calories than the calories they burned in the exercise.
October 14, 2008 at 12:10 pm |
Zoe: Even Oreo Cookies? Twinkies? Man, life sucks.
October 14, 2008 at 8:50 pm |
Your dad sounds like a real smart ass. I think I love him. He must also know then that being a smart ass is so much better than being a dumb ass.
October 14, 2008 at 8:57 pm |
Goodmum: He’s a definite smart ass. Always has been, and always will be. I live in fear that he’ll figure out how to get a google password and start commenting on everyone’s blogs. Shudder. (He’s awfully cute, though.)
October 20, 2008 at 5:04 pm |
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