Wisdom of the Ages

I recently read a highly moving post by the Anti-Wife, who is turning 60 tomorrow, and wanted to share some wisdom that she has picked up along the way.  I thought to myself, “Gee.  Why deprive people of all of your wisdom, and make them wait until you turn 60, Robin?  Why not share some now?”  (If you’re expecting this to be a charming and heart wrenching experience, I’d advise you to stop reading now.)

Robin’s Wisdom

1-Only weigh yourself naked, first thing in the morning, after you’ve had a nice poop.  All other readings are artificially elevated, and will depress you.

2-If you’re a woman, don’t get married.  The entire institution is a plot by men to get someone to buy the toilet paper.  Think about it.

3-Only have one child.  Yes, yes, people will try to convince you to have more.  They’ll say things like, “Only children grow up to be nuts.”  Don’t listen.  As they speak, put your fingers in your ears and sing “The Star Spangled Banner”, (only do us a favor, and don’t strive for that high note).

Single children turn out fine, but cute little babies grow up to be teenagers.  You wouldn’t get more than one baby tiger cub, would you?  No.  Because you realize that would be more than one grown-up tiger to claw you to death one day.  Same goes for children.

4-People who tell you their children are perfectly delightful all the time are lying.  Don’t listen to them.  (For techniques of not listening, see #3.)  These are the same people who claimed they didn’t study for any tests, and then went to Harvard.  It’s a head game.

5-If you are contemplating marriage, despite my helpful warning, don’t think you’re going to change him.  Men don’t change – they mutate.  It’s like a horror movie.

6-No one looks better without make up.

7-If you ever wore your boyfriend’s blood in a vial around your neck, that means you’re insane.  It doesn’t matter who you marry, or how many children from other countries you adopt.  You’re nuts.  Your insanity is directly proportionate to how much blood was in the vial.

8-You might think no one notices you pick your nose in the car, but they do.

9-Be nice to everyone if you can.  You never know if someone has a secret camera rigged up in your house,  just waiting for you to snub them, so they can publish the tapes.

10-Have lots of friends.  Otherwise you’re just telling jokes to yourself all the time.

There.  That is the sum of my wisdom thus far.  If I gain any more, I’ll tell you.